We were on the mountain, pt. 2

(A follow-up to my post from a year ago, “We were on the mountain“)

You should know up front that though it might seem like it at first, this is not a post about writing.

Four weeks ago, I’d just finished the draft of my fifth novel, and I was feeling really weird about it. I know some people who dive straight back into revisions, but I was like, screw that and screw those people I need to sleep real bad.

Then I didn’t. And I haven’t.

I started to write other things. My fiction-making brain cells were pretty much shot, so I wrote blog posts for the Yellow Conference and The Higgins Creative*. I wrote an article about an amazing veteran I met at work. I journaled until my hand cramped and I had to use the other one (true story – not that anything’s really legible). I wrote two posts for this blog, both of which are saved as drafts until I decide whether or not I want to publish them.

Then this weekend I went on a church retreat in the Southern California mountains, and realized I haven’t actually given myself a break at all.

And in refusing to rest, I might have sort of broken… myself.

So many of my friends are in the middle of National Novel Writing Month, and I’m watching from the sidelines feeling like I should be doing something more useful with my time. I don’t know what exactly that is yet, but I do know that over the past month, there’s been something incredibly uncomfortable about being still.

A proud voice in my head keeps whispering, I’m not this person.

I usually crave silence and solitude. But I think that for the past several months, I’ve gotten so used to crowding my head with noise that I’ve forgotten how to be still. And enjoy it.

mountainside

A few days ago, we were on the mountain again.

More than two hundred of us, from the young adult group at my church. Last year at this time, I remember being really tense and afraid of what might happen if I went up the mountain to meet with God. I remember being worried that something cataclysmic would happen in my life, some epiphany that would shatter all of the post-college routines I was just beginning to set in place.

But a year ago under the stars, He met me gently, in between breaths. He asked me to be still. And I had no problem doing that.

Fast forward to a few days ago, I was eager to get out of LA. I was looking forward to the mountain this year, and I told all of my friends how excited I was, how much I “needed” this. I felt sure that God was going to meet me in the same way as last year, that I’d go up to the mountains and He would hold me together and I would feel warm and fuzzy and then I’d leave, rejuvenated.

The first morning we were there, I woke up just after dawn to go walking. The camp was asleep and the sun was beginning to burn off the fog as I wandered through the woods. I’d taken my headphones and my journal with me out of habit, and when I sat down on a tree stump in the middle of nowhere, I thought I would encounter a pleasant God who would stroke my ego and tell me everything would be okay.

I didn’t.

Processed with VSCOcam with kk1 preset

Instead I found myself needing to drown out the silence. I cranked up the music in my headphones and buried my nose in my journal, scribbling until my fingers got so cold that I had to stop. And then I sat there and wondered why God hadn’t shown up for me.

I went back inside. I changed and went to breakfast with hundreds of other people. We laughed and joked and asked each other where we’re from. Then we all filtered into the morning session with the weekend speaker, and after an hour or so, we were told to go out for a time of solitude.

And I don’t know why, but I felt myself starting to panic.

Again, my first instinct was to bolt back to my cabin to get my journal and my headphones. But when I walked outside, passing people sitting on the side of the volleyball court with their open hands resting in their laps, and people along the hiking trail leaning against trees with their eyes closed and heads bowed… I felt so frustrated.

Here were people content to sit quietly with their Creator. Here were people willing to be still and know, and I wanted that so badly, but there was so much in my way. So many things I was supposed to be doing. So many international tragedies that had unfolded seemingly overnight that I couldn’t stop thinking about. So much family tension that I couldn’t defuse, and instability that I couldn’t make better.

I went up to the mountain a Martha disguised as a Mary.

Where is grace when the world has broken us down? Where is peace when 129 lives have been snuffed out in a matter of seconds? Where is mercy when my life spirals out of control and all I can do is bury myself in deadlines and projects and stuff so that I feel better about how little I actually can control?

I walked back into the woods alone and without pen or paper. My hands felt naked without something to do. My heart was a stone wall.

I sat on the same log I’d sat on that morning and I clenched my fists and demanded that  God show up somewhere, somehow.

And the pleasant, tame God who only speaks in whispers did not show up. Instead, I got a God who spoke out of the storm, since it was apparently the only way I could hear Him.

You don’t want Me, you want routine. You have built a shrine for security, and you have made yourself numb. You pray for awakening, and yet you run from it.

I run from it.

Ironically, this weekend I’m meeting with the founder of the Yellow Conference to talk about self-care, like I’m supposed to be an expert on being healthy and whole. Like any of us are supposed to be good at being not-broken.

I have exactly zero answers, you guys. But when we were on the mountain, I had to start to open my hands and let go of things that made me feel secure—my need to fix every injustice in the world, my unwillingness to be vulnerable with people I care about, my stubborn desire to be right at every turn. And I am still opening my hands. Actually, God is prying my hands open with a crowbar, and I honestly hate every second of it. But it’s slowly getting easier.

Tomorrow I turn 23 and if there’s anything that I’ve learned in the past year, it’s that sometimes God is in the gentle whisper. And sometimes, God is in the storm.

But whisper or howl, breath or gale, He will meet us there. So let go.

Let go.

Samantha Chaffin


(*edited: link to The Higgins Creative post added, Nov. 28, 2015)

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14 thoughts on “We were on the mountain, pt. 2

  1. my holistic life says:

    Despite doing nanowrimo God has been trying to teach me to relax too. You’ll learn the art of rest soon…just keep working on it. I’m still caught up in trying to learn this at this time in my life. I think part of my problem is that I want to control too much. Same times we have great ideas that aren’t God’s idea for our lives. Think about the rich young man who came to Jesus looking for the meaning of his life. His answer: take care of the poor…share the wealth. But in his mind he couldn’t see himself as being anything less then a millionaire. Maybe of was something his parents wanted for him…maybe it was how he’d gotten into a certain social circle…maybe it was a dream he thought he had for himself, but when he got there he was still empty.

    We have to trust that the desires and passions God has put in us are enough. We don’t need to add any noise to our lives except for the noise that is already supposed to be there.

  2. C.L. Mannarino says:

    Not a religious person, but I know every bit of this. The need to control, and fear of not being wholly and completely IN control, triggered about two weeks’ worth of migraines and a nice big panic attack. Just like God asked you to be still, I asked myself to slow the heck down. I reminded myself that I didn’t have to always be busy — in fact, I’d been busy enough. I cut down: I told myself I’d only take a little time to write on weekends, and I wouldn’t write at night (I go to bed early to get up early for work). In place of that busy demand to write write write, I’d do other things: crotchet, cook, spend time with family, exercise more.

    It’s so hard to remember not to worry about being busy. It does help to slow down, though. I don’t get headaches from the stress anymore, and I’m finding space to just breathe.

    • samchaffin says:

      That means so much to me, thank you! It’s just hard in general to feel out of control, and I’m so glad that you are finding space to breathe and had the self-awareness to recognize the need to slow the heck down. 😉

  3. Olivia S says:

    I 100% really needed to hear this. Thank you for being brave and honest and posting this. I need to think about your words for a little bit now. I feel like I’m trying to meet God, but I’m closing all the doors. I’m saying, “God, why haven’t you come in? Get in here!” and whenever I hear him knock, I slam shut the locks, yank the blinds down, and run for cover underneath the kitchen table. Not exactly the same as your post, but close. Anyway, this helps. 🙂 Thank you.

    • samchaffin says:

      So glad to hear that something in this resonated with you! I know how you feel when it comes to asking God to move in my life. I hope that you decide to let Him in this season! I’ll be right there with you, trying to figure out how to say yes. ❤ ❤

  4. Jennifer N. says:

    This was really amazing!! You have no idea how much I needed to read this – that God is not only our Protector and Savior, He’s also our Guide and Teacher. He helps us back on the right path when things get out of control and to see that sometimes all we need to do is to take a step back and simplify a little. School just started up again and this is a great reminder to keep Him in my life with all I do 🙂 ❤

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